What will I make of this I wonder?

I wonder what I will make of this time when it is over.  Will it seem like an oasis of calm or a void that I am grateful to be out of?  Or will I be more certain of the importance of this space and time in the future in a way I cannot be now?

This is the first time I have lived alone.  It is a strange existence, there is now no one to DO for except myself and instead of this feeling a liberation it feels more like a casting off.  No one needs me, except myself and I don’t want me, I want someone else.  I am not even sure who, because actually I have become much less patient, much less bovinely compassionate, much more demanding and less resigned, much more easily upset and over excited and much more certain of my own opinions and so possibly more boorish too.

What an attractive package that all makes (insert ironic eyebrow raise here) and yet I challenge that too.  Am I here to be kind, generous, nice or beautiful and who is that for anyway?  I pass a mirror and check, eyes, still blue grey, hair, still silver, body, still slender with the pouch where my babies sat and stretched still visible, legs still good but knees wrinkling.  A momentary thought – should I spend less time with legs crossed – is chased out with derision,.  What?, whaaat???  Do that, change this, for who, for what, to what end? Since we will all come to an end sometime, does any of this matter, make any sense, ADD anything to the world?

I have blogged solidly for a year now, to some welcome interest and kind comments from those whose opinions I respect and yet I come to this point wondering about stopping. Wondering who and what this is for and whether eye, my alter ego, could or would survive if I stopped posting naked and provocative pictures of myself online, and if there were none of those accompanying my writing whether anyone would be interested in it at all.  I am thinking not many but recognise that this could just be a jaundiced view, born out concentrating on lack rather than abundance and I apologise for that.  I do appreciate everyone I have interacted with here but I still feel outside even though this makes me feel very ungrateful for the kind comments I have had.  Others have written about awards and their responses to their inclusion or otherwise. For me they have reflected where I thought I was anyway. Outside.

I have come to the knowledge that this is not a sex blog, I don’t fit in those categories. This is a blog that sometimes includes sex, sexuality, relationships of all kinds in its content. There is erotica here too but not enough to really fulfil that particular niche.  I find fiction hard to write, since it is not an escape but a telling for me, and those opportunities have been rare and few and far between this year.  My blog reflect that as it also includes a kind of journaling, sometimes more a weeping and a railing against life and where I find myself in it and is not attractive, I know this.

So here I am sitting at the end of 2016 and wondering whether to jump into this particular pool again in 2017.  I had hoped that by now I would be swallow diving gracefully into the clear blue of warm water rather than still sitting at the edge wondering which bit to jump into but c’est la vie.  We bring ourselves with us into whatever new year it is, we have no choice about that and I am no exception.

I remain commited to living the best, fullest life I can for the rest of how ever long I have left here.  For that reason alone I think I would struggle not to write.  It provides me with an access to me that I need and want.  Whether or not I need to visit that on anyone else next year remains to be seen.

I wish you and your loved ones the best 2017 that is possible.

With love

eye

 

11 thoughts on “What will I make of this I wonder?

  1. I frequently feel the same, wonder the same things. Who is it for? Why do I still do it? I’ve blogged so much less lately, taken fewer photos. Most of it has been to try and express how I feel, to get the pain out. I wonder if that puts people off. But I feel outside too and I don’t really care, I do it for me.
    I didn’t really know where I was going with it when I started and I still don’t now, but I know it’s there for when I have something to say. It’s for me and not for anyone else, readers come and go, comment or don’t and whilst I appreciate each and every one, that’s not why I do it. It’s become a record of part of my life. I have thought about changing the name, changing the focus, but in the end it wouldn’t be the same blog. So, for now, I’m going to carry on and see where the next year leads.
    I’d miss you, but in the end we have to do what’s best for us, not the readers. I hope you stick around 🙂
    Wishing you the best for 2017.
    x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So , so true and with hindsight today I see a cry for help in my writing and a desire for connection that I have probably spent a year fighting off! Like you though I will keep going. I like the voice I have found and those I interact with here.
      I hope 2017 brings you some of what you want and all of what you need x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you stay blogging. I enjoy reading what you share here. I think you are definitely a positive addition to the blogging world.

    I’m struggling with blogging at the mo. I have always tried to be positive and I don’t have that in me right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is very kind of you to let me know. I think that I strive for honesty and that isn’t always positive. In fact often starts out exactly the opposite but often ends up there because ultimately I am a glass half full person.
      I like to read what you write. Be gentle with yourself x

      Like

  3. Eye,

    I am always moved to different degrees by your writing/blogging. Why? One reason of course is your provacative erotica, the BDSM, and your physical beauty! It illicits a very primal instinct in me and most any healthy hetero males and bisexual or lesbian females. You weave the mental and physical together deliciously as they should be: liberated, free. You would be doing us in the WordPress and blogging world a disservice if you stopped. One year is NOT ENOUGH to decide whether it is beneficial for yourself or your readers! Keep in mind Darling, that far too many readers do not comment or even click that “Like” link/button for our blogs. Why, we will never know. It makes no sense to me why anyone wants to be “anonymous”… unknown. But that is NOT YOU!!! Not anymore. Right?

    I remain commited to living the best, fullest life I can for the rest of how ever long I have left here. For that reason alone I think I would struggle not to write. It provides me with an access to me that I need and want. Whether or not I need to visit that on anyone else next year remains to be seen.

    YES! Writing/blogging — at least for me — is an excellent way to gauge where you are… not just from your own lens, but through the kaliedoscope of lenses of others! Yes, the internet allows most of the entire world “to speak”, some 7-billion voices simultaneously (haha!), but there are a few 😉 that “listen” and read with mind and heart fully engaged. One year of this is nowhere near sufficient for this method of expression and learning to bear fruit. I’ve been doing it since 2011 and I’m still enjoying it; primarily for myself. Many of my regular followers are from foreign countries and the very libral parts of North America & the U.S., which has always intrigued me. It confirms I DO NOT belong in Texas! Haha! But I’ve always known that and I am making the most of my current situation — blogging/journaling, etc. — which WILL change again very soon when my son turns 18-y/o in 2.5 years. 😀

    I’ve always very much enjoyed our exchanges, here and on Twitter. We are like-minded hearts, minds, and souls and I HOPE we remain connected… because the “vanilla” world out there is full of way too much fear of literally LIVING, BEING fully human, including comfortably within our Dark Primal erotic sides and sharing/connecting with others, with our tribe. We need each other in a world like this! Believe me! You ARE valuable! You are contributing to a needed social movement whether you recognize it now or not! Please continue! 😈 ❤

    The prude is in fact the libertine,
    without the courage to face their naked soul.
    —- A. S. Neill

    Might it be the actual face-to-face connections and engagement you are missing? If you are comfortable sharing here. If not, we can talk/chat elsewhere. 🙂

    Like

    1. Ah Professor, as always you have simultaneously been very kind AND hit the nail on the head. I have been lonely and feeling disconnected and cut off. I don’t think I can give it up. I just know I need to stop looking to belong and really live into being instead. I will find my way. I know I will. I am determined when I am not weepy and I don’t stay weepy for long. Very best wishes for 2017 x

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Excellent! And I do understand and empathize with the loneliness. I’ve been so since 2009, and unmarried (divorced) since 2002 and “detached” (in all senses) from the ex-wife since 2000… so even though I am way across “the pond”, you have a heart, mind, and soul here that understands in many ways on many levels. 😉 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Everything written in such places goes off into a vacuum, dear lady, and we hope that vacuum will be filled with apt comments and the encouragement that make us bloggers go on. Sometimes that doesn’t happen: do my words displease, is my body not worthy? Am I wasting my time here? Well, you know I write poetry, which is akin to showing oneself naked 😉 For many years I kept it to myself, then started to blog cautiously, because the naked body of my poetry might not appeal, but slowly I found an audience, found like-minded souls who were as attuned to the nakedness of words, and to the nakedness of bodies. It has been hard to find those people, and I wouldn’t give them up for the world, and i hope you won’t either dear lady x

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s