I will

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I will get through this.

By sheer effort of will I will somehow connect to me in a way that feels real and supportive and loving especially when all I want seems to be outside of me, endlessly outside of me and never to be attained but just glimpsed through others.

I was married for a longtime, both times. I have called myself a serial monogamist in the past but now I am not so sure. I identify as a submissive, as a slut and pain slut too at times and I don’t know where that leaves me, what place I inhabit after so long of enjoying the virtuous cage of the status of good wife and mother.

Who am I? Who can I be? I am eye, definitely eye, but does she only exist here and in the dark and in hotel rooms and for short periods? Where does eye inhabit my life, that can feel like a half life, I want her drive, ambition and commitment to serve at my feet. I want my inner submissive to put her incredible ability to endure pain, to transform it into pleasure and to do this for her D, into my hands so that I can get through this; this fucking huge, fucking scary, fucking glitch in the universe that seems fucking invisible to the universe itself.

How dare the moon continue to travel around the earth, the earth around the sun and the universe to continue to expand? How dare it? I am fucking dying here, dying to the old before the new is fully formed and it is as scary as hell.

I know it will be alright, I know I will be OK, but what will it be like, will I even recognise it when it is OK and what the fuck is going to happen between there and here?

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5 thoughts on “I will

  1. You write very well. I hesitate to suggest you could make a living doing that because it is a very chancy business. I just thought you deserved to know, and everyone needs a compliment now and then.
    I came across your blog via a link from fetlife, in case you are curious.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Rod. I appreciate your comment very much. Writing is a chancy business, as you say, and this blog is my way of just getting some stuff out there and fir the pleasure of reading comments like this too šŸ˜Š

      Drop by again! There will be more.

      Like

  2. I realize it seems I’m photo-bombing your blog — apologies — and as I go in retro-chronological order through your posts (awkward peculiar for your experiences?)… behaviour this Explorer is famous as well as infamous for… I am enjoying this journey of vulnerability and obvious growing self-assurance.

    Ahh, but I savor raw humanity… so I take back my apology! šŸ˜ˆ (laughs defiantly)

    Liked by 1 person

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