I have had such ennui since we came back. Everything had paled into grey and I could see no way out to a colourful world that seemed no longer to be anything to do with me. I was lost.

I was ungrounded after a week of being connected to you. My world grew small enough to cover me and I stopped.

I just stopped.

After a day of emails, and sorting things, and a return to a home I felt absent from you sent me a message:

Bath night for eye, speak later. Oh and 4…

It immediately opened up a passage way out of this darkness and I rushed to put on my favourite red silk nightie. As I spread my legs, raising one to the level of my work desk – a formica table pressed into service and loved for its willing utilitarianism, its wings extended as if to fly, my foot steadied itself on the left-hand wing, braced and arched and I noted its pleasing shape.

My wand is required. I cannot use my fingers. As I press it to my unshaven mound my scent wafts around me and I remember her. Her fragrance, her taste, her sparkling blue eyes and that delicious grin.

1 … I remember the curling up around me, hand teasing the silk of my nightgown and my initial reticence

2 … I remember my decision to kiss her, to hold her in my arms and I wondered is this how it has felt when I have been with men? Something autonomous stirred in me, something new.

3 … I remember the glass dildo, the sound as it moved in and out of me, the gathering pace and her knowledgeable fingers.

4 … I remember her tongue, so skilled and so persistent, ravishing me over and over as I twined my fingers in her hair and laughed so softly with the joy of it all.

Then later that evening when I told Him what has happened, He laughed and said that anyone could tell that was going to happen and I blush to have been so seen and understood and fall in love with Him just a little more.

Yes Master, I message back, thank you.

Harder than most

As I write this I am sitting on the edge of a friend’s spare bed, around 45 minutes from you instead of the usual nearly 3 hours and my heart hurts. It hurts to open it so much to you, to be re-acquainted with how you smell of that aftershave and how my hand fits in the dip in your chest and for you not to be here and yet to be so comparatively close.

I cried in the plane on the way home, you knew it and passed your hanky and so soppy was I that I was happy you were taking some of me home with you. Nothing more than my tears and a faint smudge of lipstick but me nonetheless.

Long distance relationships are tough and ours is a boundaried one that has other considerations in it and I love that, I do really, but our hellos have the seeds of my tears in them and sometimes it hurts more than I know what to do with.

To love is to risk loss and hurt in the pursuit of connection and the joy of being seen and loved in return. My sense of loss today has brought all the other losses back. I remind myself that I have a good life, that any relationship needs to add to my 100% and that I do not need another to be complete..

It is all true, but what is also true is that I feel like I have lost an arm and I truly cannot imagine sleeping without your arm draped across me or my toes outstretched to yours.

The gap we leave needs a bridge built from more than I have today. Today I will look across the expanse and wait until I can feel the road back to us beginning again. Today that’s harder than most.


We played for the first time in a long time, as the sounds of the Santorinian family Sunday afternoon drifted in through the open shutters and mingled with the murmering of the waves pulling in and out over the black sand in front of our window. In stark contrast He made no sound as He pulled my hair to gain leverage to push Himself into me.

The sound of His belt being pulled through the loops on His shorts had sent an immediate request for lubrication to my cunt. My eyes widened, their pupils dilated as I waited for His requirements to become clear. I instinctively lowered my gaze and noticed my focus had become narrowed only to this room, to this us. He pinched my nipple hard and grinned in satisfaction as my yelp was followed by my offering Him its pair.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit to relief at the immediacy of my responses. I had wondered how the expansion of our us from its foundation in D/s to include plans for the future would affect this vital source of energy and connection. It caused me to wonder what happens to relationships when age, illness or disability interrupts the pattern of relating. If we couldn’t do this, or even aspects of this what could we call on to refresh and revitalise us?

Where would the centre of us live if not here?

I had always considered myself a trusting person, this was mostly when comparing myself to exes who were less immediate than me in their own leaping in. What I saw then in myself as trusting (and somehow superior if I am truly honest), I regard now as a kind of recklessness with my own heart and with the things I loved most such as my children and my home. In mistaking co-dependency for love I leapt in because of the immediacy of connection that happens when their teeth fit your wound.

It felt right, how could it be wrong?I

Which eventually, sadly becomes why does something that felt so right now hurt so much?

In our us with the man I call Master I have had the opportunity to learn what it is to truly trust. The shared roles, rules and responsibilities we agreed taught me not to be reckless with my heart, and also the beauty of flying when you know there is always an arm waiting for you to perch on when you return.

Beyond this I also now know that whilst we none of us can truly foretell the future, what we can stand on however, is the firm foundation we have built in trust and love.

When He says He’s got us I know He has, that’s us. That’s love regardless of what it looks like from the outside.


#SinfulSunday – kneeling

Kneeling with lipstick and a half grin

I love to kneel and wait. Sometimes at His feet, sometimes before Him, sometimes for Him. What matter most is that it is with Him, our mutual needs meet in this simple action.


Technical stuff: this is another in my series of photos taken wearing this outfit and using a tripod and a clicker. A first for me and something I will repeat.

Don’t forget to click on the lips to see who else is being sinful this week will you?

Sinful Sunday

#SinfulSunday – work legs

Work legs - fishnets

Imagine, for a moment you worked alongside me. Could you keep your eyes on your excel spreadsheet as I walked by?


I thought not πŸ’‹

Don’t forget to click on the lips to see who else is being sinful this week

Sinful Sunday

This is the day

Black and white eye with cushions

This is the day, my life will surely change

This is the day, when things fall into place

Just like that rainy Thursday morning in 2013 as I drove to kneel for the first time before anyone other than God, what happens today will change my life again. I feel it as my heart bounds with excitement and my grin threatens to dazzle all who see it.

When you know, you know, and I always have.

I didn’t know if the universe shared the same view although I would have found it hard to believe it didn’t since it felt right even through the hardest of times and even though many others thought it was obviously wrong. But here I am, hours away from driving to see my love and to laugh, and play, and talk about our future with him and I simply can’t wait.

Soon, my love, soon.


A new country

Our bed is a strange country, what has been, even if unhappy, was at least familiar and this is not that, although it is welcome.

Which side will be yours? Do you like a light to see my curves and judge my response or will you pull me to you in the dark, lips hot and heavy with desire, and devour me?

Your chest has hair, a different slope and is broader and more welcoming. The journey to your navel does not guarantee a shiver of desire as it used to with him but your waistline shakes as I brush it, in a newly delicious way.

Your hands hold me down, not mine hold yours and it feels so much more right than anything else did before. I drown in your eyes not search them to find out the right response to you, the one that will keep me safe.

My body still twines around like ivy, an involuntary and entirely sexual response. Legs interlock and I, newly trained, open my mouth and keep it open to allow you access.

Turned onto my front and entered from behind I lock my feet behind your thighs to pull you in. There is no sense of resignation or of compliance, only a sense of more, please, more.

I can never have enough of you.

We sleep connected. If I am not in your arms, my outstretched foot touches yours. Butterfly kisses land on my shoulder if you wake in the night.

There is no list of grievances to divide us, nor emotional wounds that we have caused each other to fester or split us apart.

Calm and warmth pervades the space, grins and cups of tea begin the day.

The new geography of this unexplored land is our Eldorado. We are settlers, lately weary from the journey but now full of hope and ambition.